Today we are delighted to announce that a new version of the Sufferlandrian jersey is in development, and it’s time to take it to the community for wider testing and feedback. There are some exciting new features designed to increase the suffering, but make sure you’re doing it in style.
The secret sauce is the brand new Suffering Flake Strips , our new top secret weapon against couchlandrians. Some of the key features the minions have been hard at work on include:
- Distract couchlandrians with it’s glittering beauty - somewhat similar to the couchlandrian decoration “tinsel”.
- The sharp flakes bounce up and down along your back if you slow down, making micro lacerations designed to eke out the maximum suffering and ensure that your skin is able to sustain the punishment for extended (and obviously repeated) sessions.
- Only at maximum speed and intensity do the flakes become airborne, lifting off your back to punish you with watt-sapping aerodynamic drag.
- Once airborne, the flakes also generate a whistle sound, announcing your approach to other Sufferlandrians and Couchlandrians alike.
- At this speed, the concentrated blood and lactic acid from your Sufferlandrian frame is then released as tiny droplets. Non-Sufferlandrians will be temporarily stunned by the effect, forcing them to blink and stop drafting you.
If we take a deep (shallow) dive into some of the manufacturing tech behind the scenes:
- Shredded chamois has been fashioned into long thin strings. No extra glue required - the dried sweat and blood holds it together!
- Bike frames from the vanquished have been cut and crushed into small sharp flakes
- The minions then then individually buff and polish these flakes until they shine, and where necessary add a bit of chilli sauce or sharpen it up a bit
- They are then attached with a pain stake to the chamois string in a pretty Couchlandrian-distracting-pattern
- The same technology is also being trialled for a helmet upgrade. This has the added benefit that if your speed drops too slow, the blood/lactic acid from the micro lacerations will run into your eyes, instead of down the back straps.
Also very important, is to ensure that you keep a suitably serious face when wearing it. Can’t let the Couchlandrians think you’re having fun! One of our Antipodean KoS has been practicing his serious face here. Perhaps a bit more practice required
Let us know any feature requests and keen to see any other upgrades that Sufferlandrians have been making out there in the wild this silly season!
(and Merry Christmas everyone!)